Teens in Balance

Kids are stressed out. Time to tune in.

So kids are more stressed out than parents think. That’s what the Stress in America survey showed by the American Psychological Association.  Tweens and teens are reporting tell tale symptoms of stress such as headaches and poor sleep.  What else? Kids worried about finances and their future.  In tough economic times, who wouldn’t be soaking up the societal stress, too? And according to the report, the disconnect among what teens and parents report is pretty discrepant. Ok, Ok, there may be a reporting bias. Parents answering the survey probably wanted to give the right answers suggesting the positive health of their children; maybe the teens did, too (it's called social desirability). But for heaven's sake, when almost half of tweens and teens are indicating they are stressed out and only 1 of 10 parents see that, there seems to be a problem.

• Tweens (30%) and teens (42%) say they get headaches vs. 13% of parents 

• Tweens (39 %) and teens (49%) cite difficulty sleeping vs. 13% of parents
• Tweens (27%) and teens (39%) report eating too much or too little vs. 8% of 
parents.

Now I remember not telling my mother much of anything once I was in high school; she just didn’t seem to get it.  If anything, she complained that I stayed up too late doing homework and that I slept too much on weekends.  She never understood why I had to have certain clothes or shoes… so I just up and got a job a soon as I could. (Jobs for teens these days?) So from a teen point of view - why bother explaining it all? That may be the sentiment of most teens, too.  After all, they're trying to be more independent and manage things on their own. Even in a culture where parenting has become more causal and friend-like, teens are still carving out their private lives. Major kid stressors include school work and peer relationships. Easier to chock that up to normal adolescence, parental amnesia, or dismissal (“When I was kid things were much tougher.”  “You don’t know how easy you have it.”) That parents underestimate the stress their children face is not all that surprising.  But the degree of difference in perception is.

It calls for more education to help youth cope and learn ways to manage stress. It would help if parents could learn stress management skills and model them, too.  Things like relaxation and downtime, deep breathing, considering alternative perspectives on a problem (cognitive reframing), taking a witnessing stance (rather than blame), practicing assertiveness and communication skills, and getting support. Helping parents understand the teen brain is key, too. Much more is known brain development that puts a lot of teen quirkiness into perspective. But here I am.  I’ve been teaching mind-body skills to medical patients for many years and constantly say these are life skills.  Why aren’t we teaching them early on?

There is plenty of research evidence that shows that health promotion and stress management programs work – for kids at risk due to social or economic circumstances, who have medical conditions, and suffer with anxiety or depressive symptoms.  But all children need these skills.  Such skills promote self-esteem and a sense of self-control – and could prevent the high risk taking that many teens engage in to either self-soothe, avoid stress, or feel connected (like substance use, disordered eating, early initiation of sexual behavior or dropping out of school, to name a few).  I suppose the good news is that the last several Youth Behavior Risk Surveillance surveys show a decrease in high-risk behaviors that can lead to early death (more kids wear seat belts and less kids drink alcohol or binge), which suggests that prevention programs may be working.  But there are many other symptoms that exist below the radar of extremes that don’t get much attention. Well, as we mind-body teachers say: Awareness is the first step.

Now take a deep breath.

Gearing Up for Ceremonies & Celebrations: Substance Use Prevention and... Prayer

I brace myself every spring for the end of school year festivities: proms, graduations, senior pranks, and the beginning of summer concert series.  Every spring there is a headline or two of the latest teen tragedy related to alcohol use. Indeed, the leading cause of death among teens is alcohol related injuries, followed by suicide.  Kinda depressing. But if you consider the larger context, most teens survive adolescence.  Few die of natural causes and disease, so that pretty much leaves the unnatural incidents to account for why young people die. Even though every season the press and local papers post stories, memorials or updates from last year’s losses with prevention messages for this year, it’s just a matter of time.

For me it’s a low grade, visceral feeling.  We lost a member of our graduating class when I was a high school senior – on the night of our graduation. I’ll spare the details but the losses were deep. (This was in the 80s and efforts were just beginning to draw attention to safety and prevention.)  The following year the boy who crashed into our fellow classmate driving full speed – and on speed – from another party, committed suicide.  They had been friends.

The father, who held the graduation party – the coolest, most lovable dad around town – who thought through how to best serve us kids (and parents), created a gated party, took everyone’s keys, and provided kegs of beer.  In fact, it was a very civil affair on a beautiful June evening. Didn’t matter. MADD sued him for providing alcohol to minors. Let’s say quite a number of lives were affected and our class was forever fractured. Reunions occurred on off years and there were half-hearted attempts at gatherings. Mostly, we simply dispersed across the nation harvesting our new adult lives.   (Facebook reunited many of us 25 years later – as we parent our own teens.)

Prevention has come a long way since then.  Students sleep over in auditoriums, are asked to take educational classes, hear parents and peer advocates tell their traumatic stories, or view displays of mangled cars on the school lawn.  Tons of prevention, fear-engendering videos are on uTube. You’d think it would work a bit better. 

The hope (and prayer) here is that people still keep on trying to get the message out.

The Children’s Hospital in Boston has just launched a new program for parents of teens. “Fifteen Minutes to Save Your Teen’s Life” is sponsored by the Center for Adolescent Substance Abuse Research.  Dr. John Knight founded the program and appears as the avucular medical expert on www.teen-safe.org.  It is an interactive tutorial for parents intended to help them engage with their teens about substance use.  A certificate is received at the end the program. The local high school in the town where I live is requiring all parents of graduating students to take it.  This is a good idea. 

In fact, all parents of incoming freshman should take it, too.  There is, of course, Parents:The AntiDrug –  a terrific organization, but I’m not sure parents are all that aware of it or even seek out information. (It’s called denial and disassociation from one’s own adolescent years.)  

A number of years ago a colleague of mine created a computer game called Crash Site. This was intended for teens getting their driver’s license. The program is a virtual environment of a car crash scene. The players gather clues about the crash from a doctor, a lawyer, a peer, and a policeman as they answer questions about their own risk factors for substance abuse. Clever.

But year after year the tragedies still occur.  One parent recently said to me that it's like “a weird survival of the fittest.” Some teens live, some die.  Easy to say until it’s your kid or the child of a friend.

Yet, there is something to be said about “survival.” The teen brain is wired to take risks and yet not be totally aware of the risks.  That’s how early tribal people catapulted themselves into future generations. The youth of the group took the most risks to defend and to provide for the group.  If one actually thought about the risk at hand, like the herd of buffalo kicking up the dust at foot of your dwelling – well one might duck for cover and everyone would be wiped out.  The irony of it is that these are not the dangers that face humankind today.  The muddled, growing brain of the contemporary teen might just have too much time, too cushioned a life – where experimenting with alcohol or drugs might just seem like the cool yet dicey thing to do on a Friday evening with pals.  No safe-guarding of caves to be had these days.

We have the knowledge today but not necessarily the wherewithal. Substance abuse changes the brain… why can’t we wrap our head around that?

* * *

Resource for Teens: The Science Behind Drug Abuse

Getting to Michelle Obama

I have to say I’m excited about Michelle Obama’s initiatve, Let’s Move! and the new foundation, Partners for a Healthier America.  This is great timing for BodiMojo, the online teen health destination we are building, with help from a Small Business Innovative Research grant from the National Institutes of Health. But here’s the question: if the initiative is truly about developing  “a strong network of members across the business, government, academic, and nonprofit sectors who will commit to accelerating efforts to address childhood obesity,” how does one actually get in front of Michelle or her group???

We’ve got a terrific online program built with the help of teens and being testing by about 250 Massachusetts high schoolers: BodiMojo. We’ve got a story to tell and we need to get the word out as we launch later this spring. I’m writing this on my personal blog so I can be brazen about my calling on friends and colleagues to help me lead the way to be part of this important national initiative. Really, I can’t afford a lobbyist.

So why teens, you ask?  Because they are the toughest and savviest group out there and they get short shrift on obesity prevention in lieu of the “risky” stuff, like sex and drugs.  Most obesity prevention programs target youngsters/tweens and families, but really teens are a key group.  (Brands and marketers know this: capture brand loyalty among teens and you have a customer for life.)

I hear it all time, “Teens don’t care about health!”  I honestly wonder if these people actually talk to teens.  Prevention messages may fall on deaf ears, but ask any teen if they care about their own health, and they’ll say yes. It’s just that they see it as part of who they are, not as some separate silo in their life they have to attend to – which is how grown-ups think (The life checklist: job, car, gym, kids, vacation, bills, etc.). 

Here’s the thing: Teens are making their own decisions and solidifying health habits that will transfer to young adulthood. They want to fit in, personalize their stuff, create an identity, and be part of civic life. They have strong opinions – and for the most part – make pretty wise decisions in spite of brain blips here and there. They care deeply about what they look like and just about all of them have body image concerns. In my estimation, we need to re-position “obesity prevention.” It’s time to brand healthy decision making as part of style – your personal charm. You know… your “mojo.”

So, help me get to Michelle.

Where teen harassment and hope collide: The power of peers

Just as much as the childhood obesity crisis seems to be plaguing weekly headlines, so does the plight of childhood bullying. As recently as last month in my home state did a lovely young teen commit suicide after ongoing harassment by peers in her school. Commentary on the tragic event has been constant in terms of the failure that occurred in this school system, bullying legislation being pushed to the side, the problem of cyberbullying that magnifies the offline harassment, and what parents and schools can do to prevent it. NPR’s Here and Now, Robin Young discussed the issue today. Barbara Coloroso, a national expert and author of The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander,  stated, “It’s a short walk from bullying to a hate crime.” She lives in Littleton, Colorado, the location of the Columbine school shootings.

Under this current atmosphere I picked up a book, Letters to a Bullied Girl, compiled by two teenage sisters, Emily and Sarah Buder, who in a concerted act of kindness, responded to a local news story about Olivia. Olivia had been targeted after she had an epileptic episode in school.  She changed school three times until finally home-schooled. Picked out as different or flawed by female peers, the length to which the harassment ensued was stunning in its cruelty. The girls created a webpage promoting hatred of Olivia, wore “I hate Olivia” bracelets and physically pushed her.  You get the idea. The forward of the book happens to be by Barbara Coloroso, who describes bullying as acts of contempt. She also spells out the characteristics of the bullying circle. It was on this latter note that I raised the subject with my middle schooler. In relaying Olivia’s story, she responded with shock, “That doesn’t happen in my school!”  But it could and it might.  Most bullying remains under the radar.  My level-headed tween could unwittingly ignor what might seem as typical kid joshing around and not realize that some kid might be getting that all the time -- relentlessly and without mercy.  It’s not ok to stand by.  I think she gets it.

The story of the Buber sisters as compassionate activists is instructive. Letters to a Bullied Girl is a selection of thousands of letters that poured in and is remarkable in its breadth.  It’s the kind of book you can only read in spurts as the stories and support in the letters are, at times, heart wrenching.  Of course, there are many historical stories of such cruelty and wars, current and past, based on power and contempt, and those that stood by. 

A famous case in psychology defined the phenomenon of the bystander effect.  Most college students learn about it in an intro psych course.  While not about bullying per se, the 1964 murder of Kitty Genovese brought to light a curious aspect of human behavior: the diffusion of responsibility. There were 38 people that either saw the attack on Kitty or heard her scream and no one did anything about it until it was too late (or so it has been told in the telling and retellings).  Since then numerous social psychology experiments have demonstrated the effect:  people think others are around; they assume some else will take some responsibility and figure “why bother?”

It’s the same with bullying, the expression of which has found a contemporary digital medium that keeps bullying alive, 24-7. A kid can’t hide in the comfort of home anymore. Bullying, online and off line, is a bother we all have to watch out for.  Thanks to two sisters who began a letter writing campaign that started with an email -- and the media that kept an inspiring news story alive -- hope and kindness prevailed.

Resource:  Stop Bullying Now

Teens and substance use: Do no harm or damage control?

The question whether brain research can be helpful in informing kids about drug use is nagging at me. I had the chance to ask a neurologist this question at a course at Harvard Medical School on school mental health. Luckily, it was the first session in the day and thereafter several other experts came around to it, more or less.  

My question centered around what kind of health information can be effective. Examples I offered were the scare tactics that The Meth Project uses in its video ad campaign in Montana, the standard health class that crams in all the bad things drugs and alcohol can do that wash over kids because they’ve heard it all before, telling or showing kids how cognitive function is impaired by substance use (e.g., “This is your brain on drugs and here are the consequences”), or having MADD come in or showing kids mangled up cars from drunk driving teens – or is there something else?  

And, how do you maintain a “do no harm” approach, if that even matters anymore since kids are exposed to the nasty effects of just about any risk behavior  – from unsafe sex, eating disorders, drug use, peer violence, and relationship abuse – in the movies, on the Internet, and in their community. 

What works?

Here were the answers:

Neurologist: Scare tactics may have immediate response but no real durable responses. I think: Yes, I know. That is the problem with PSAs intended to elicit fear and anxiety, so I push the question further.  What you do you do with teens at risk?  He says cognitive scripts and role-playing can be effective.  (If you can engage them to take the exercise seriously, that is.)

Psychologist: Ok, says another panelist, scripts won’t work when the teen is under the influence, so…

Use a “damage control model”, she offered. In other words, help the teen come up with strategies for self care when at a party, like having a friend keep tabs, designate a driver, call home, etc.  This assumes that friends have the wear-with-all, or that one has the courage to call a parent (even a cool parent who claims to be there under any circumstance if in trouble), or you know when you’ve had too much and can stop. Most of us grew up with this crisis-based friends and family model. I get the pragmatics of it. Kids will experiment so give them the tools to deal in the moment.

Behaviorist:  Well, says another expert later in the day: Don’t let a kid get to the point they are using [street] drugs.  This would assume that other substances have been tried that lead up to the hard stuff, but that’s not always the case.  (We all hear about that one episode that killed a kid.) This approach suggests that you intervene with kids before any problems show up or persist, and teach the kids the skills to manage problems that arise – problems that usually are deficits in skills (flexibility/adaptation, emotional regulation, communication, and so on). You know, use PREVENTION.  That means parents, teachers and doctors know when to intervene early enough. Sadly, that is hardly the norm.

Many of the problems that can lead to substance use or abuse can be subtle and persist under the radar. It seems to me the brain research is key to our understanding of the teen brain and addiction, but our tactics for prevention and intervention come down to some basic things with all experts basically in agreement:

• Stay connected to kids at all levels
• Check in with them, care about what is going on, stand by them in finding a solution together
• Collaborate (with student, teachers, parent, peers, community)
• Know about the strategies that work and don’t work in the classroom and out of school (recent research on bullying shows that some of the tactics we teach kids like “walk away”, “stand up for yourself”, “know it’s not your fault”, may be counterproductive), and
• Punishment doesn’t’ work.

If a kid is persistently in trouble or lagging behind, there is a reason – it most likely it has to do with developmental immaturity or lacking a skill/cognitive ability, communication skills, or is a survival reaction from traumatic experience. Pushing kids away with punishment will – on the whole – back fire. This message became loud and clear from a principal at a recovery high school.  Her motto, “Don’t suspend, amend.”  On the other hand, many kids fall through the cracks because they aren’t noticed or move with a crowd and get caught up in unsafe scenarios. So how to reach out and prevent at-risk behaviors?

Bottom line: Be engaged.

Relevant Resources:

Greene, Ross W. (2008).  Lost at School: Why Our Kids with Behavioral Challenges Are Falling Through the Cracks and How We Can Help Them.

Youth Voice Project

Helping Traumatized Children Learn

Bringing joy into schools?

Last week my hero was a 7-year old boy who raised $240,000 for Haiti by riding his bike around London. 

This week I have a new hero. His name is Steve Gross, founder of Project Joy (see opening video on website). He brings the radical notion of playfulness back into the lives of children, especially children who have been traumatized or live in traumatizing conditions.

A charismatic guy, clearly a motivational speaker whether he’d consider that label or not, he got a room full of teachers, principals, counselors, nurses and psychologists to stand up and play a game – a game that got at least 75% of the audience to get up and dance.

What I loved about his presentation however, was not getting the middle-aged grownups to have a little fun. He was demonstrating the concept of JOY by felt experience – Bringing joy back into teaching, into therapy, into childhood, and into the present moment.

At a presentation at a Harvard Medical School course on School Mental Health, he put on the screen this quote from the American Journal of Preventive Medicine:

“The most threatening health crisis facing children in America is exposure to adverse childhood experiences.”

That’s a wake up call. We worry about acting out behaviors, substance use, precocious sexuality, high school drop out rates, and youth violence. These are the issues that make the headlines in newspapers and the media and are of utmost concern.  What does not catch anyone’s attention is the antidote to these problems in childhood and who is doing this subversive work.  This is the mission of Project Joy:

“Our mission is to ensure that nothing destroys the playfulness of children.  Nothing.”

Mr. Gross defines playfulness as:  “The motivation to freely and joyfully engage with, connect with, and explore the surrounding world.”

And he’s talking from preschool on up… and I’d venture to guess his strategies work with adults, too, after getting this audience to loosen up.  He crafted the game with clear boundaries – you don’t have to play you don’t want to.  Here’s the message:

When children and teens have permission to play… they play!

Simple? Profound?

It’s necessary and it seems like too many professionals and educators have forgotten how to play. You can see it in grown-ups' contrained bodies, facial expressions, and attitudes. In my own child’s middle school, the sixth graders only get recess half the school year – it’s an “elective”. We lament about this modern reality of schools taking out PE and recess time. But play doesn’t just happen on the playground; it is a philosophy, an attitude, a commitment.

How does the Project Joy instill play in school settings?  Through games, choices, empowerment, co-creating rules, employing transitions for children who may be overwhelmed or over stimulated (use of breathing exercise or soft music), and role modeling and engagement by older kids with younger kids. In effect, playfulness can counteract the effects of trauma on the mind and body – it becomes a means for affect regulation, problem solving, and empowerment through connection with others.

Play changes physiology. Play = healing.

Bring it on.

Other Resources:

The ACE Project

Invisible Children – Kids At Risk Action

Are you sexting? MTV Launches "A Thin Line"

MTV launches A Thin Line, a new initiative to stop the spread of digital abuse –cyberbullying, sexting, and digital dating abuse. One hopes that the likes of MTV might have enough cache and brand loyalty to get kids’ attention.

 Surveys consistently show misuse of digital communication as a real problem among youth with concerning psychosocial consequences (see executive summary). More than half of teens (53 percent) report receiving digital abusive behavior. Thirty percent of young adults send photos of themselves nude or semi nude and depending on which survey you read, anywhere from 10-40 percent of teens have either posted or texted something sexually explicit. Since I have a tween girl, this news leaves me horrified to think that about one of every three girls in her friendship group might do something as dense as this someday. That’s just as horrifying as knowing that one in three women are sexually abused at some point in their lives – a statistic that has stayed with me for years.

Maybe it’s the classic teen impulsivity confronted with the alluring “send” icon, or the need to create an alternative identity as one grapples with lots of transitions; or the need to control a relationship and bolster one’s sense of self, or power or self-esteem. Whatever the case, the intriguing digital venues of today have outpaced digital common sense – and kids need to call on a whole set of skills that their brains have not quite mastered: delayed gratification, reasoning and planning, thinking through consequences. Emotional consequences are serious for digital abuse: 12 percent of teens who have sent or posted explicit material contemplate suicide. (Suicide is the third leading cause of death among teens. Let’s not compound the situation!)

One of the thing I grapple with as a health psychologist is how to get effective public health campaigns right. Theories abound: Fear tactics don’t work in short term; show immediate rather than long-term consequences; tailor the information to the demographic; use role models to demonstrate the health promoting behavior, and so on. The challenge with teens is they don’t think bad things will happen to them: “That’s not my brain on drugs,” “I’m in total control,” and “Everyone else is doing it.”

What’s exciting about A Thin Line initiative are all the stakeholders on board, including Facebook and MySpace and numerous public health organizations: Love Is Respect, DoSomething.org, The National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline, WiredSafety, Anti-Defamation League, Blue Shield of California Foundation and PBS, which is premiering a companion program on Frontline (A Thin Line). Importantly, they are also engaging youth in a contest to come up with antidotes to digital abuse: Redraw the Line Challenge. It will be great to see how this campaign can provoke a national conversation and empower youth. For starters, take the quiz. I’m totally on board. 

How about you? 

Originally published on www.BodiMojo.com/blog (Dec 9, 2009).

Yes, Grow Up Sex Ed

That’s my reaction to last weeks Boston Globe magazine cover headline (2/01/09): Isn’t It Time Sex Ed Grew Up?

Being part of the cohort known as those Liberals Up North, I must say I was shocked to learn that the subject of human sexuality is not mandated in Massachusetts schools, nor is the instruction of HIV prevention, as it is in many other states.  It is therefore entirely possible, noted Globe writer, Alison Lobron, that a student receiving a public education might not learn anything about human reproduction at all.

Having worked in the area of fertility treatment I have come across many women who simply did not understand female reproduction or the natural aging of their eggs.  If she were raised in this state, it is no wonder.  One patient, a nurse, said she never really learned anything about conception and contraception until she was in college course for her nursing degree.  She lamented that she spent all those years trying to prevent pregnancy; now that she was ready to start a family, her eggs were too old.  For years I have been frustrated by the lack of basic knowledge by both adult women and men. I assumed the naiveté was a generational issue.

Fast forward to my own child€'s generation. A few days after the Globe piece I attended a parent information night about the puberty lecture for 5^th graders to be given in the spring (with parent permission, of course). The evening allowed parents to view the video for both the girls and the boys.

I must pause here briefly to describe the videos. In many ways they were no different from the black and white, scratchy reel version I saw 30 years ago with that British narrator who seemed to be heard on all science programming of the day. It is true that the facts of puberty haven'€™t changed much (aside from today'€™s girls menstruating on average 6 months earlier). But the social context certainly has. Today'€™s kids are way more knowledgeable about sex -- before many parents get around to having the "The Talk." Is anyone paying attention? (The educators are not, apparently.)

The videos by Marsh Media were jam packed, quickly-paced scripts trying to do too much in 15 minutes. Tina Medina, a Southern radio host of some sort narrated the girls'€™ video, reading from a teleprompter; Bob Walkenhorst, a strumming guitar player with bad hair, hosted the boys' video ("Music has a rhythms and so does adolescence."€). Both went though the following points:  puberty happens earlier for girls than boys, every body is different and goes through puberty at its own pace, the pituitary gland triggers the hormones that begin the various physical changes, such as menstruation or sperm production, and the variety of secondary sex characteristics like body hair, odor, voice changes, fat distribution and musculature. The video showed a drawing of an egg and a sperm, and simply noted that when the two meet conception occurs. Voo-la!

But wait, there is more. Apparently if you take care of your body now, you are preparing yourself for the responsibilities that come later. Like getting job.

Getting a job?

What is this about again? "€œGrowing up can be an impossible struggle"€ and "€œIt can be really confusing," both narrators emphasized with earnestness. I'm now confused, too.

After the viewing the local pediatrician, who also facilitates the sessions with the school kids, answered our questions. I raised my hand first."So given that children are at different maturational stages, and some might not understand all the information packed into the video, um well, after this introductory hour to puberty, what is the context for sex ed from now through 12^th grade?" The doctor and the school nurses just stared at me. One nurse shrugged, "€œThis is it."

The doctor then read off some of the typical questions kids write on note cards and pass in for him to answer. Mind you the entire 5th grade girls are gathered together (as are the boys -- God forbid they learn what the opposite sex goes through). One can only imagine the riots of giggling and the embarrassment of asking these questions to a male health provider. The questions are expected, "€œDo periods hurt?"€ "€œWhen should a girl wear a bra?" "What happens if a girl gets her period in school."€ And so on. It took another parent to ask, "€œSo do any of them want to know how the egg and sperm meet? (Thank you fellow parent for asking the obvious.) Yes, these questions do come up, said Doc. "€œBasically, I draw a picture" -- and he proceeded to scribble the fallopian tubes suspended on the white board with specks of sperm swimming their way up to meet an egg." Not too abstract. Jeez Louise. Next question by the same parent, "€Well, how do you explain how the sperm get there?" The doc tells us that he informs the kids: "€œWhile no question is a bad question, some are inappropriate for the discussion. It'€™s best to go home and discuss with your parents." End of story. Welcome to the Puritans Up North.

Cupid€'s Arrow: The Double Edge of Teen Dating Violence

I'€™ve always wondered why certain weeks are picked for health awareness campaigns. National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Week, February 2-6, 2009, is slated just before Valentine'€™s Day for a reason. The heightened expectations, the saccharine disappointments. According to the Shriver Center: 

• One in five teenagers between the ages of 13 and 14 says that their friends are victims of dating violence;
• 69 percent of all teenagers who had sex by age 14 said that they had experienced one or more types of abuse in a dating relationship; 
• 30 percent of teenagers in a dating relationship have been text-messaged 10, 20, or 30 times per hour by a partner attempting to find out where they are, what they are doing, or with whom they are.

When I recall my teen years, there is a certain couple who stands out for their beauty and their inner beasts. The keg parties, too much booze, the instigating sarcastic comment, the escalating voices, and then the fists. It was hard to tell who started first.

But what is more remarkable in retrospect is that 20 or 30 other kids could watch on, shrug their shoulders and not intervene. Oh, not again. La de dah.

What 15-year old is emotionally equipped to deal with that? And that goes for the instigator, victim and the bystanders. The couple dated the whole of high school until college broke cupid’s spell. I wonder how that formative romance defined their future relationships.

About those dating violence stats, the Shriver Center publication notes: "€Even more alarming is that 81% of parents surveyed believe that teen dating violence is not an issue or admit they do not know if it is an issue."

Okay, the sad reality check is that many parents - like my parents - are completely clueless about their child'€™s social calendar and whereabouts.  "Spending the night at Jane'€™s house, mom. See you tomorrow!" Of course, Jane is saying the same thing to her mom about a sleepover at my house. Brilliant teens.

Fast forward to now and dating harassment and stalking has taking on a new form with the onset of technology. Those cells phones ...a blessing and a curse. And interestingly, boys appear at least as anecdotally described in a NYT article - to have a propensity to use texting as a way to control a girlfriend'€™s behavior. (See uTube video: The Line)

Of course, awareness and prevention about youth dating violence is key - via schools, teachers, and peer advocacy. Kudos to the Liz Claiborne Inc.’s collaboration with The National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline for:  Love is Respect.  Put that on a Valentine’s Day Card.

Desktop and Dashboard Dining

 I'€™m sitting in a coffee shop with my 11-year old enjoying hot cocoas with whipped cream in a frigid day in New England. Upon reading this, one might think we are engaged in a quaint mother-daughter moment. But the actual observer would see me with my laptop and she with her little sister'€™s Nintendo DS. The intention was for us to read for a bit, but technology has grabbed a hold of both of us. At least we are cozied up elbow to elbow. The book beside me is Brain Wansink'€™s Mindless Eating. I'€m in the middle of chapter 5, on Mindless Eating Scripts. It'€™s a thoroughly entertaining but sobering book.   Of course, I realized that my daughter and I are currently engaged in "€œdesktop dining,"€ what Wansink refers to as multitasking while eating (e.g., reading, working, watching TV, etc.) -- hence my inclination to write about it. The consequence of desktop dining: consuming more calories than one would when paying attention to a meal. And here'€™s a thought provoking statement: €œDashboard diners and desktop diners are less likely to be overachievers than they are to be overeaters.€ (Pg. 104, paperback edition). 

We are blessed with the skinny gene, or so it seems. But we are not immune to the overscheduled, overly demanding nature of modern culture requiring us all to be supermoms and superkids. This is the first year our family is really struggling to find evenings to sit down and have dinner together. The activity, sports and work-related demands have entered a new phase of scalability. Both my daughters are in an individual sport. One is in gymnastics and the other in figure skating -- sports in which weight and body shape may be a factor as they grow up and their bodies mature. (I secretly hope they will prefer the more team-focused sport of soccer where size and ability can take many forms.) This brings to mind research by a well-regarded public health scientist, Dianne Neumark-Sztainer. In an article on how parents can help teens achieve a healthy weight and positive body image, she notes two key influencing factors in teens with weight-related problems (i.e., the spectrum of under eating to overeating):

(1) Family weight concerns, or the emphasis on body weight, shape and size as expressed by parents through poor role modeling or derogatory comments -- even if unintentional, and

(2) Family meal patterns such as low meal structure (eating on the run or while multitasking) vs. high meal structure (sitting together). Both of these familial influences are modifiable -- that is, parents can change how they talk about body weight using more positive or supportive messages about their child'€™s body relative to the more harmful messages from the media and external sources (I include sport coaches and teammates in this); and families can try to have more meals together or work to enlist support from schools and communities to achieve this.

Which brings me back to Wansink€'s book -- we all need to pay more attention and it starts with small steps. Fortunately, one simple tip is to enjoy food. That'€s exactly what my daughter and I are doing now with these delightful hot cocoas.